The scariest situation for a husband (or a boyfriend) is to suddenly be confronted with that one little question for which they are never quite prepared.
Notice something different?
Three words fraught with danger.
There is the husband back home after a rigorous day at the office looking forward to nothing more than putting his feet up and relaxing watching the Champion’s Trophy when the wife says, notice something different?
Immediately panic descends. What could it be? The sofa covers, the cushion, some new painting, dash it, has to be something, has she redone the table setting, what on earth is it?
For wives this is a major event and not to be taken lightly. A husband worth his salt is expected to get it right. Those who are a little smarter stall for time. Give me a clue, they say, everything looks so perfect, it is impossible to tell what’s new. Now, that sort of blatant flattery might wash under normal circumstances but it hasn’t a chance when it comes to find the change, the stakes are far too high.
By now, the husband is on his knees and she is going into freeze mode and she says, don’t tell me you can’t figure it out, after all the trouble I took…this means we are now moving into very sticky territory and things are not looking good.
So, the poor husband, he takes a deep breath and says, now, ummmmmm, let me see, it isn’t the curtains, not the pelmets, and it isn’t the sideboard, nor is it the potted plant, running off this list in the hope that her body language will give her away, was that flipping potted plant always there or has it been changed?
Finally, he says, the cushions, you have changed the cushions.
She goes all rigid and chilly as the wind that blows through the room. Then she says those awful words that made the strongest of husbands quail. “I don’t know why I bother, not that it makes any difference to you.”
A more intimidating version of this exercise comes about when the wife says much the same words about herself. The husband is busy doing his accounts or watching an absorbing Al Pacino retro and she says, notice something different? Same words, different inflection. Then she does a little spin and a two step and poses there for him. Now, with old Scarface in trouble and the movie rushing to its climax, he has absolutely no clue what she is talking about and dread is the uppermost sentiment that fills his mind. Why now?
Usually, it is the hair but not necessarily so. It could be twitched eyebrows, or a new nail varnish or a new dress or shoes or anything, one of ten different options.
Of course, says the sensible husband grandly, you look wonderful.
Yes, but what is different.
Gorgeous, stunning.
Yes, but what is different?
Migoodness, says the warrior, knowing he is losing ground, now let me see.
It is a risk at the best of times because once you have got it wrong you don’t get a second chance at it. No second shots, that’s the name of the game.
The wife will instantly whisk off in a huff and no amount of making up will suffice. Later on, when the secret is out, you can make all the mewling sounds about how you knew all the time that it was the new color tone to her hair or new ear rings only you were fooling around but it won’t make any difference. In this business, once you have goofed up, that’s it. A friend of mine didn’t notice she had her nose pierced. Ten year since the gaffe and he is still paying for it.
Just go buy her something expensive.
A friend of mine he actually keeps a diary with regular updates on his wife’s changes in person and the house. Believes he can beat the odds.
Suffice it to say, he still gets it wrong.
